Let’s face it. Whether we like talking about it or not, everyone who has ever ventured into the woods for a significant amount of time must eventually pee in the woods. It’s going to happen…unless you are severely dehydrated, which I do not recommend. For boys, like Mr. Dirty, this is such a small issue that it doesn’t event register on his radar as an issue. Boys are taught to pee on trees from a very young age. In fact, our son – Dirty Boy – went through a stage (when he was 2… not recently) in which he would ONLY pee outdoors. It disturbed the neighbors so we had to put up a privacy fence. For those of us who are less equipped for the situation (read: females), peeing in the woods can be traumatic. The misters who are reading this right now are probably thinking that I’m over exaggerating by using the word “traumatic.” Trust me, guys, I chose that word for a reason. Want an example?
Just this summer, Mr. Dirty & I took Dirty Boy and his friend (shall we call him Dirty Friend? I don’t think he would be offended) on a short backpacking trip to one of our favorite destinations: Panther Creek Falls in North Georgia. The trip was amazing. We pitched our hammocks right beside a large gazing rock that overlooked a small series of falls. It was perfect. Perfect weather, perfect food, perfect setting, perfect company. In summation, it was perfect. Except for the peeing in the woods part. Before I climbed my worn & weary body into my well hung hammock for the night, I had to venture far into the dark woods to pee. Did I mention that the woods were dark? I grabbed my yellow bandana (reusable toilet paper – just wash & dry) and forded a HUGE stream – okay, now I’m exaggerating. I hopped over this tiny stream to find a nice secluded spot, well off the trail and away from the water source, where I could do my business. I found an awesome spot with a downed tree that I could use to balance in order to avoid peeing on my shoes. It’s not as easy as guys might think. JUST as I was unzipping my pants and they were traveling to my knees, from behind me came a low but steady growl. It makes the hairs on my arms stand up when I even think about it! Needless to say, I whipped my pants up and took off running. I jumped that stream like I was Lolo Jones at the London Olympics!! All of the boys on our trip like to tease me about it being a rabid squirrel, but I know in my heart of hearts that it was something much bigger and with scarier teeth than that! After that trip, I made it my mission to find an easier way to pee in the woods.
I researched hiking in skirts – with or without undies. I was all set to go sans skivvies until my lovely mother informed me that I would be quite miserable if I happened to get ticks in places where ticks should never go. Thanks, mom. I had already purchased a few running skirts for my upcoming section hike of the Appalachian Trail. These are awesome skirts. They wick moisture & are quick drying. At the time, I planned to remove the inner compression short so that peeing in the woods would be an easier task. But that was before my conversation with mom – who, by the way, thinks I have lost my ever loving mind.
As I was stalking the trail journal of a female AT thru hiker, I came upon the mention of a certain product that I never knew existed: the pee funnel. Apparently, this is a big industry! A quick perusal of Amazon.com brought multiple options for how to pee in the woods ranging in price from $8 to $30. Being the cheapskate that my mother raised me to be (thanks again, mom), I knew that I had to find a cheaper alternative. Off to Wally World I went in search of a funnel that I could use as my very own pee funnel.
My search of the Wally World shelves made me feel a bit like Goldilocks. The first one I found was much too wide. It was bigger than both of my hands splayed side by side. It simply wouldn’t work. The second one was too long & much too phallic-looking. I could imagine the looks and comments that I would receive with THAT thing attached to the outside of my pack! The third one that I found was – as we all know from the story – just right.
“What funnel did you find, Mrs. Dirty?” you may be asking. Well, in the camping section of my local Walmart, I found Coghlan’s fuel filter funnel… (also available on Amazon.com)!! Let me tell you about this funnel. It is made of a yellow (love it!) polypropylene and is 2.25 inches in diameter. The best part is that it only weighs half an ounce and comes with a handy little chain that I can use to attach it to a small carabineer for hanging on my pack. I didn’t measure it; I promise. I looked it up.
Yesterday, Mr. Dirty & I went out for a small hike at our local state park. I wore my new North Face Cirque-U-Late running skirt – which I highly recommend for its total awesomeness.
When the need arose to pee in the woods, it was magical & completely liberating! What is to follow may be a little TMI for some of you (read: guys), but the ladies will want to know. So here goes. The compression shorts under the running skirt are very easy to move to the side; therefore, enabling the use of the pee funnel. I didn’t need to remove my pack to pee. I didn’t need to expose my backside to bears, bugs, boys, or baneful botanicals (read: poison ivy or poison oak… I needed another “b” word to keep up the alliteration). Another bonus of using the pee funnel, which I have dubbed the shenis (don’t judge, just laugh), is that it cut down on wasted time on the trail. We covered more ground in less time.
I highly encourage any hiker who is feeling emboldened to purchase a pee funnel. Yes, I said ANY hiker. Guys, help your lady hiker friend out… gift her with a pee funnel. Ladies, get you a pee funnel. It’s equal to the ratification of the 19th Amendment to the US Constitution.
Mr. Dirty’s Comments:
I will unfortunately admit, that although awkward looking from a guy’s perspective, it is actually quite functional! What’s embarrassing is having your wife “stand” beside you and pee on the same tree…and then beat you to the finish! I’m disturbingly impressed – Mr. Dirty
Love it! I will definitely be on the lookout for one of these pee funnels!
Skirt. Commando. Squat.
Pack stays on, no extra gear to carry and clean.
I was totally down with that, WJ, until Dirty Nana Started talking about ticks in my hooha. I’m not that brave! – Mrs. Dirty
ok just defending Dirty Nana she talks from experience had a tick to close just saying
Panther Creek Falls, I love that place. And you’re right – there are plenty of growling critters there that are much bigger than rabid squirrels!
I’m sure Dirty Boy is most happy to be mentioned in conjunction with the Pee Funnel!!
Happy is not quite how I would describe his reaction. He let me know real quick that he did NOT want to discuss it. I believe he is scarred for life. Mission accomplished.
Funny! And useful! I’ve heard other women recomend these things, I just haven’t tried one yet.
Every girl in the woods needs a shenis. I’ll get one for my lady post-haste.
And what a fantastic inaugural, dirty article. Wunderbar!
Excellent advice! Also the added benefit of filtered pee!
I guess I should have added that I removed the little filter screen. It’s really not needed 😉
http://m.basspro.com/scene7Image/10225915/0;jsessionid=6528443F5561DEA47A074967E476C1A4
Don’t forget about the Go Girl! Another advancement in female standing to pee technology.
I almost bought the Go Girl. I would have if I hadn’t found the fuel funnel for $1.97 at Walmart. It’s much more budget friendly!
For most people who know you,Mrs. Dirty, the pee funnel doesn’t surprise us/me it is the skirt for hiking that is a surprise. Who would thunk to get you into a skirt it would be for hiking:) Back to the funnel how do you clean it in between uses?
LOL!!! Oh, Susie. It’s hard to believe that I am wearing skirts! In honor of my friend who I miss dearly, I’ve even been wearing them at school *on occasions*. What’s funny is that some guy read the blog & called ME a princess, because I was wearing a skirt! If he only knew!!
As for the funnel, I rinse it with a little water & spray it with the spray type of hand sanitizer (which is what I carry in the woods). All clean 🙂
Hilarious blog! This contraption has to be better than Danica Patrick’s solution while racecar driving…adult diapers!
There is one of these in my future! Way to go girls!
Oh yes…you made my day! Great description, I could see almost all of you. lol Keep up that smile…writing! I am in a hospital/ nursing home, I am in considerable pain, however after reading your story I am pain-less, thank you Dr. Dirty